Engagement To A Thai Lady, Does it make a difference?

Another question for you ladies and I hope you do not mind me looking to you for some insight.

A brief resume

I have been going out with my Thai g/f for some time now.
She works at a local shop owned by her cousin. Goes to college part time to learn accounting. Will soon be off to work at the local sugar factory for 4 months (an annual employment during the sugar cane season) where she will work in the office doing accounts. During this time the g/f will stay mainly at her mothers house. The g/f wants to come back here to my place when she can but working 12 hours a day will limit that as will her mothers input.
She sleeps at my place but her mother has no idea of this. Good Thai ladies do not do this sort of thing etc. Her mother believes my g/f sleeps at her friends condo in town, this helps keep the peace.

G/f previously married (party style). 1 son.
Loving, affectionate and demonstrative with it.
Jealous. Uh huh! LOL

Today her mother has asked her to move back home to live ready for the sugar factory season that begins in late November. To give up the condo altogether.
The g/f is not happy about this. I am not too enamoured by this idea myself but I have to respect the g/f and her mothers wishes. Therefore this has to be one for the g/f to sort out. I have told her that I want her to be happy with the outcome.

Mother knows about me. Has met me on occasion. I am told she is happy with me. When I go to the house I am made welcome.

Given that background I am seeking your advice on the effect of becoming engaged to the g/f.

Will it be likely to make any difference in the mothers and the familys eyes in respect of the g/f staying at my place? Is it likely to soften the mothers approach?
For those who might say 'ask the g/f', I would like some idea on what changes, if any, there are likely to be with respect of the way the mother in particular and also the family thinks before I broach the subject with the g/f.

Thanks as ever with any helpful insight.

Just curious as to where your girlfriend is from?

I don't know about the rest of Thailand, but where I live, couples don't live together casually. If you move in with someone that is the same thing as being married, wedding ceremony or no. Something to bear in mind, as that may very well be her mother's thinking as well.

She is an ordinary Thai lady from central Thailand. Her parents live 15 kilometers out in the sticks.
I realise they do not usually move in casually and also appreciate the serious implications of what the g/f has done by moving in. This move was progressive on her part. I realised she had finally moved in when the toothbrush appeared (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)

Her mother has no idea she has moved in and that is where the complication lies. Her mother would do a war dance if she knew. The g/f cousin who owns the shop knows as do her close friends.
I'll admit the g/f does get guilty feelings about what she has done and also know she is very very serious about this relationship. That is why I was wondering if it might help with the mother if the g/f and I got engaged, in respect of the g/f living here with the mothers knowledge.
Marriage is out of the question right now as I want us to be together a lot longer before we reach that point in the relationship, especially after other relationships have turned sour after periods of up to a year together.

Think about giving your prospective mother-in-law money. Usually works.
Otherwise put on your thinking head.

(IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)

Don't get engaged if you aren't 100% certain you plan on marrying her.

The son is your kid ?
If not then : If she serious and growth enough to decide to be engage or marry someone she should not hiding from her mom what she is doing, beside she decide as a temporary peace and safe place to stay away from her mother and kid.
To engage / marry is a big step for some Thai woman.
The moment she married him its mean she will be with him for a rest of her life that how ordinary woman thinks. Her parents have to agreed and allowed her to do so.

I'd concur with SBK... For mainstream Thais, engagement of a daughter is a serious thing...

You shouldn't go down that road, unless you're pretty sure you're going to finish the job.

Just doing that to take the heat off a living arrangements problem, particularly when you're not sure about the long-term yet, would not be a great thing to do, in terms of Thai etiquette.

So you want to get engaged, but don't know if you want to marry. Who says romance is dead?

Possibly your ma-in-law has seen through you.

Why on earth would i want to give the MIL money? Bad enough giving it to the g/f (IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)



That is not what I said.

<----- hears what SBK says and takes note and will consider deeply before making a decision (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)



No, not my child.
As to hiding what she does from her mother, the g/f is torn between two. She badly wants to stay here with me and knows the backlash from her mother would be strong. That is why she has not told her mother where she really lives. N0 tell = not lie (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)
Without wanting to start any wars here, 'marriage is for life' rarely seems to apply to a Thai male who generally walks away from the relationship after 1 or 2 children are born. But to me a marriage is not for the short term.



Read, heard and understood too (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) Though long term with this lady is a very appealing idea. I'll take a back seat for now and see how things pan out with the g/f and her mother.

Your gf has already been married....and has a kid? Jesus....put your foot down will ya......and be a man. In Thai society your gf is used goods....harsh but true. She is lucky to have somebody to take care of her and her child. You should be well and truly calling the shots here ...and if you're not then you are getting screwed....just like a lot of farangs in Thailand.

This post has been edited by MyKowLope: 2008-11-05 12:01:30

Hmm...

The girlfriend is also a human being and so far, from what I can see, has done nothing to warrant such disrespect.

I know where MyKowLope is coming from but I also agree with sbk that those comments are too harsh. However, it is a simple fact that outside of the sex industry, previously married women with kids are not first picks amongst men and almost never on the agenda for a Thai man. Thus, there should be some give and take here.

I would seriously question whether her mother does not know. She may know but can pretend she does not know.

If I was in the same position, I'd ask the girl to move in with me whilst keeping her room in the shared apartment should things not work out. I did that with one girl some years ago.

If the OP has met the family then they must consider that her daughter is sleeping with the guy. Just where they think they do that I do not know ! I suspect they know all too well.

In the end she has been married and has a kid. Whilst not necessarily a drain on the family, it is unlikely she is able to contribute much. Having a guy in her life may eventually turn into marriage and the OP has stated that he is not against that idea in the longer term.

I think it is make or break time and mama may be playing that game. Some families want a second round of sinsot and she may be hankering after that.

I'd either get some agreement from the girlfriend to move in or I'd move on. She is not a baby and has been with him some time already. This would remove any deception and get it all out in the open. Whilst the OP is not from Thailand and his girlfriend is, their relationship is a mixed one and you cannot enforce 100% Thai ways on a 50%/50% relationship. To suggest otherwise is foolish.

My ex-husband met his Thai girlfriend in August (we were still married) and when I moved out in November she moved in immediately. Believe me, some do move in v casually (and happily)!

'Her mother has no idea she has moved in'??? Unless they are v wealthy and respectable I suspect that she will be v happy that things are moving forward so rapidly. Again, my ex said exactly the same thing - her family would be mortified if they knew she was going out with a farang - but when he went to see them they welcomed him with open arms!