Totlanh, what's done is done but please don't turn a wrong turn into a trip to the gutter.

I remember drinking after 2 years and how much it messed up my life. I had made new friends and they were amazed at the change in me, once drinking, and quickly moved out of my life. I didn't notice of course. I managed to go a few months thinking that this time my drinking was different. It wasn't but it took me years to stop again. Waisted years where I was miserable and worst of all I was the cause of my own misery.

It is great that you have stopped again. If you stay stopped then this can be a valuable lesson which can streghten your sobriety. I do not believe that relapse is 'a normal part of recovery' but I know that sometimes we can definitely learn from them. I wish you all the best mate.

Eek and Garro,
Thanks for your kind words.The problem i have now though is i really have lost my motivation and am struggling

I remember thinking that maybe if I wait the conditions will be right to stop again -my motivation will return. The problem is though that there is no guarantee that the right conditions will ever return. You have been sober a very long time and it is easy to lose sight of the benefits.

I personally don't care about 'isms' and just see myself as a reformed drunk, but I do know that over any period of time that I drink alcohol my life deteriorates. Addiction has never improved my life and if I take alcohol I quickly exhibit signs of addiction.

Sobriety can sometimes seem like I am just plodding along, but this is far better than the alternative. Sobriety for me is at its best when I am open to the magic in life. A sober life can be very magical, but it is easy to lose touch with that. I have found that when I'm sober anything can happen, but if I drink then I know what will happen - especially in regards to the long term.

I don't know what to say to you Tollah, I remember the urge to drink very well and what I call the 'fuc_k it' button. Addiction messes up my mind so much. I couldn't remember my two years sober after a few months back drinking. I couldn't remember what I did with my time sober. Wired. This led me to believe that it must have been boring as hel_l, but that was just denial. It can sometimes feel like relapse is inevitable and when there you can say to yourself 'I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb'. This is poison to my mind.

I really wish you the best no matter what you decide to do.

This post has been edited by garro: 2008-08-13 17:12:11

HI i can see that some of you are struggling so i thought i would put my 2 pennies worth ln. 12 years ago my life was a complete mess due to many years of alcohol and drug abuse and if i didnt do somthing, i would either be dead or end up in prison for a very long time and i decided that i had HAD ENOUGH!!! I had been to few aa meetings in the past and instead of listening to the similarities, i listened to the differances and went away thinking , well, none of what some those aa people have said has happened to me,so i am not an alcoholic and anyway, those aa people are some kind of cult, so i carried on drinking for about another 5 years. Things got worse and worse. Eventually i thought, ive HAD ENOUGH of all this sh-t ,I NEED HELP, so i went into rehab and started to WORK THE TWELVE STEP PROGRAM.At first it was very painful and people were telling me, alcohol and drugs are just a symptom of this illness and i needed to address what was going on deepdown and i need to work this program so that it becomes part of me. They also said if i did what was suggested , i would very slowly get better. Guess wot!! they were right!!!and its the best thing i ever did. About a year after leaving rehab they offered me a job and for the last 11 years i have been giving back to others what was freely given to me. My life today is good, i have ups and downs like anyone else, but i use THE TWELVE STEPS to deal with any problems that come up. So i say to you HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH AND ARE YOU WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS TO GET SOBER???? and when i say sober, i dont just mean stop drinking, i mean STOP DRINKING AND HAVE A HAPPY CONTENTED LIFE!!! also its not just meetings that keep you sober ITS WHAT YOU DO IN BETWEEN!!! I have not had an urge to drink for twelve years a day at time and if it can work for me, it will work for you. thanks

I will guote myself from another thread (this one is much more relevant, but I didn't know when posting):

''
Today I managed to wait until 11.30 AM+ before taking the first beer (because my wife has forced me to get a health check up). For me, a record for may be two years.

At the ultrasound they said there was changes to the liver (but not permanent, unreversible ones). Two cysts 0.7 cm and 1.0 cm (but this was common (?)), and a general accumulation of fat (?) in the liver that could be the effect of drinking. Cholestorol was high, and I have a liver infection that makes me shiver and cold sweat (but no fewer) during the the night. Need to eat antibiotic pills (if I puke them out, have to get injections at the hospital).

I also have hepatitis, and as I understood the doctor: Hep b already antibodies (have had?), Hep c no antibodies (= no have); so the hepatitis is coming from drinking.

Today only drinking from 11.30 AM till 6PM, so araound 7 big beer Leo.
''

This is the result of around 10 years of binge partying and may be 15 years of drinking (alone) for the sake of drinking. But only BEER and REDWINE.

Stick to beer, but if you consume too much too often, it will get you ...

I started drinking again 3 years ago after 3 years sober.
Three years of hel_l, many many times I've tried to stop and going back to AA.
I can't seem to string more than a few days together.
It's got really bad, for the life of me I don't know how my wife can stay with her. It pains me so much knowing I am putting her and our son through this nightmare.
I can tell you with absolute certainty, if you start drinking again you will find yourself on a fast track to a living nightmare.

I am sober tonight. I am shaking like a leaf and my wife is trying her best to help. I feal an overwhelming fear creeping over me and I know it's going to get a lot worst. The only thing I want right now is another drink.
But I won't, besides the bottle shops are all closed now and I have nothing stashed away.

This disease is particulaly strong in me. I am off to a meeting tomorrow if I can last that long.

All the best guys. I have been inspired tonight reading through this forum, especially the "100 good things being sober" thread.

....Snip....

I started drinking again 3 years ago after 3 years sober.
Three years of hel_l, many many times I've tried to stop and going back to AA.
I can't seem to string more than a few days together.
It's got really bad, for the life of me I don't know how my wife can stay with her. It pains me so much knowing I am putting her and our son through this nightmare.
I can tell you with absolute certainty, if you start drinking again you will find yourself on a fast track to a living nightmare.

I am sober tonight. I am shaking like a leaf and my wife is trying her best to help. I feal an overwhelming fear creeping over me and I know it's going to get a lot worst. The only thing I want right now is another drink.
But I won't, besides the bottle shops are all closed now and I have nothing stashed away.

This disease is particulaly strong in me. I am off to a meeting tomorrow if I can last that long.

All the best guys. I have been inspired tonight reading through this forum, especially the "100 good things being sober" thread.
[/quote]

I've been going to AA meetings for over a year now, and the longest I've managed to string together is 30 days without a drink. But I reckon if I can make it six sober nights a week instead of three, that is a big improvement...if I can stop drinking on school nights...

WHat I have done is stop ALL sensible drinking; if I go to the pub with colleagues, I'll drink soft drinks. I don;'t buy beer in seven-eleven. I'm trying to condition myself so that I don't drink as a matter of routine. And keep trying to stretch the dry spells...

SC

Well guys,

This alkie has 30 days off the piss today. Who would have believed it!

Body improving rapidly - but brain seriously fuc#ked up. Have appointment with the psychiatrist today.

Two AA meetings pr. day.


Children gone, money gone, house gone (bless wife for unknowingly giving me this chance). But I still have water, food, shelter, clothes, passport and pocketmoney.

Most important though, I have a chance to hang around for a while longer exploring life before I change my address to the graveyard.

And in the end - it must be better for them to have a father that is absent than one that is dead.

Good luck to each of you it is a hard road. I was a heavy drinker, caused the loss of wife but I look at it as the best day of my life. It was a long hard struggle but I got to know myself with a lot of inner reflection and oberservation. I tried AA once but it wasn't for me.

Each of us is different and what works for one will not work for another, but there is something for you and it will help.

Godd luck.

Best of luck to you all. philo, well done and keep strong. I think its a great idea that you are going for help..but i personally think psychology helps more than psychiatry. But thats just my take. If you dont gel well with the Psychiatrist, try another, or something else, but dont give up trying. I think its important to have someone to talk to and not be afraid to spill out any crap thats going on in your head. For some people AA is great for that (however, i tried AA a couple of times and it wasnt the right way for me). I thought alcohol was my miracle cure for underlying things i didnt want to deal with. Finding an alternative way to address and deal with those issues is what has given me strength enough to not want to use drink as a crutch. But, of course, everyone has different reasons and experiences. At one point i honestly thought i wouldnt miss a drink again..but to be honest at times the feeling has crept up on me. Usually if im feeling overwhelmed about something. I guess im still a bit of what is termed a "dry drunk"? Im not sure. But, the feeling rarely lasts more than a day, if that. Its less and less. The biggest factor is realising how far ive come, and how much i dont want to go back to where i was before.

I agree that I have rarely had any Thai be surprised or shocked if i say i dont drink and that feels good. In the UK it was a "go on have a drink!" type attitude. People make you feel like a party pooper for not having a drink with them. One time a girl that I worked with even became pretty nasty about it because she wanted a drinking buddy.

In Thailand i kind of holed myself up a bit initially. Well, actually, i still do, but less so. Part of the reason i came here is to have time for myself, without pressures from family and friends. I suppose i should tackle being able to hang out at night time socially without the heavy feeling i get. I actually feel quite ill at the thought of it. Ive been invited out many times, but the idea of hanging out in a bar is hard for me to handle. The smell of alcohol and the smell of it on peoples breath is hard for me also. The one time i went out with a group of westerners we ended up in a bar after dinner. I felt really uncomfortable. Its not the bar, because i didnt hang out drinking in bars, its the smell. I also feel less socially easy-going as i used to when i drank. Its weird but part of it is that i sometimes feel that im not quite sure who i am anymore..and im still finding that out. Hard to interact with others when im still finding my feet. Feel a bit vulnerable bearing this on the forum, but there you are. Might ring some bells for others, and if it helps then im glad.

Thanks to both of you.

The psychiatrist at RAM was the man who took me through detox and is a man as good as they come. I will trust him with my life and I am sure he will help me sort out possibilities for psychological counseling in CM. Also I will reread the old threads in the 'Health, Body and Medicine' forum.

One step at the time ...

Exactly.

Well done Eek and well done Philo, well done anyone who has not had a drink today. Eek I stopped and started for 30 years, no real significant period of abstinence, days, maybe a couple of weeks, and then for some silly reason i'd go out and have a few drinks. usually nothing too silly to begin with but eventually I would end up on a major bender, blitzkrieg drinking. I had been dry for 30 days or so when I went to my first AA meeting, over 5 years ago, haven't drunk since. Don't miss it, don't want it, don't need it. Better without it in every sense of the word. I didn't give anything up, rather I got back stuff. Life immeasurably better, married, a new born kid, working here. I still go to AA. It is the only thing that has kept me sober. There are some new meetings in Chiang Mai which might be worth checking out but I tell you if you feel like having a drink any AA meeting will be better for you than a saloon. Go in and tell them your story, it will be good for them to hear and as well as helping you it might help someone else. Good luck!

Fantastic!

Actually, this was (and sometimes still is) part of the problem for me. I kept thinking i gave something good up. I conveniently left out all the negative aspects and focused on thinking that i was so much more confident and more likeable when i was drinking, or at least less likely to care if others thought negatively of me. I liked the numbness. Learning to deal with a real un-numbed reality has been the hardest part for me. Getting sober sort of felt like i woke up one day and i was a grown woman and wondered who the hel_l i was. Getting to know myself may sound cliched and lame, but thats what ive had to do..and yes, it is getting something back. Its getting back reality and living life ...as scary as that sometimes seems.

..Last night I found myself going along to a nightclub with some friends for the first time in many years (and that last time i was still drinking). I drank an orange, but for some reason i got into my head that it had alcohol in it. I couldnt shake off that feeling and ended up leaving. Was a really odd sensation. As crazy as this sounds ive been unable to sleep all night because of different thoughts buzzing through my head. I just couldnt settle and felt nauseated. Has anyone had any kind of strange similar feeling when out like that???

im not sure if sharing this is of benefit to anyone (dont want to be taking over this thread either)..but at 6am after a night of not sleeping i went out on my bike to the local park and ran myself stupid. An hour later and physically worn out, i feel good. Actually,even though im worn out, i feel like running more. I recall becoming a overly addicted to exercise when i first stopped drinking, but i do know it helps. I read somewhere else on this forum about exercise and meditation, and i know that combination is what works for me.

Anyway..um..thats all really.

Oh ..and also a very nice pm from a member helped a lot when i got back in too.