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[sbk]

Or rather, they think they have your best interests in mind but in fact, since it is not their life, they have no real idea what those best interests might be




***edit*** this post has been made by a woman who has put up with 20 years of nagging regarding having kids ***

[frtiz]

Remember what my MIL said when we drove off after the wedding: And now you make baby!

I was like: WTF. My MIL has the gift to embarrass me in front of other people all the time with these questions. My wife being a fair bit older (45) than I am (29), and me not wanting any children, we're fine. but the in laws don't take no for an answer. So I just walk away and let my wife take care of the situation. Even after my wife had a miscarriage 2 years ago due to a traffic accident deliberately set up by some people who didn't mean very well for us, her mother just told us to get over it. Make again! I'm still sad over the whole situation but it seems that Thais don't give a shit about that. Offspring counts and tears are a waste of time.

No, we're not uncivilized tribesmen and women who are tangled up in Thai disputes.  haha.

Great comment on the teacher mark, being a teacher myself. My god that those people still roam the planet.

[PeaceBlondie]

My last two babies are turning 28 today. Their oldest nephew is 24.5, and I never have told him to make me a great grandfather. In fact, when the first twin was having her first of 3 deliveries (when she was 16!) I told him to wait several more years. Populating the planet? It is no longer a great idea, and you need to leave it to the fertile folks who like fertilizing.

[TAWP]

@OP: I was asked the same thing  (well, they said 'you' as in us as a couple, as I am a man) by my own relatives so I wouldn't say it's in any way Thai related...just older relatives wanting grandchildren and so on. And eventually we where pregnant and we now have a son at 2 years of age. And last week I was asked by my grandma if a second was on the way yet. :S

Edited by TAWP, 2009-01-31 12:22:51.

[julie_f]

It's not just Asians though! My MIL to be has asked when she can expect another granchild.  I'm almost 30 so shouldn't wait too much longer but we aren't sure we want any!!

[Samuian]

Goinghomesoon, on 2009-01-09 16:47:49, said:

Hey Peace, who you calling a baby machine     I simply have no maternal desire to create babies myself.  I'm not seeking to change Thai culture.  I just want ideas on how to get the in-laws to lay off without being rude.

tell em you've got:  ^^#^%*^##@^* (some medical issue) and can't have any babies!

Or be straight forward!

When I was married to a Thai woman, it was the same with her family,  
they asked my wife straight if i wouldn't "do it" with her and very blunt why she wasn't pregnant yet,
when I told them that I don't want ANY children, they said if I don't like
children, when I replied that it is not that I don't like
children but that I simply have no urge to breed and raise some, then they replied that
they will take care of them, pointing out that "luk krueng" would be beautiful!

I am single again and still neither children or the urge to breed for that purpose!

I am doing very well, never have a boring minute, can go where I want, do what I want...
well it has many advantages...

I learned  a lot growing up with 3 brothers, one sister and a single mother!

[sbk]

Samuian, I have heard that one before.

"Have kids and your mother-in-law can take care of them"  I point out that she doesn't want them.

"Have kids because luk-krueng are so beautiful"  I make a joke that that is a good idea and I will be sure to put them on tv right away so they can start earning.

"Have kids because they will take care of you when you get old"  I point out the poor old man in Ban Tai who died in his house and nobody knew until he started to smell. The neighbors thought he'd gone to Bangkok to visit his kids, all of whom who live in Bangkok.

[bina]

well, here the issue comes up alot; even in the immigration offices the women always ask me if i dont want a baby from anon... its an israeli thing, the baby thing.  when they hear my age they always tell me about some doctor that does fertility stuff for older women and whatever.

i have three kids from my previous, and thats under average here; for my american mom, it was one too many!!! youngest daughter is constantly asking me to make her a sister/brother...

i live in a culture where fecundity is paramount... the gov even gives money for each birth, and discounts on all sorts of stuff when u have over 5 kids!!!

people keep telling me stories about this or that woman on some moshav or in town that had her six/seventh baby at age 40++ ; that maybe i should go to one of those 'holy' women that do amulets or blessings for pregnancy, people always give me red threads (blessed by rabbies/wives) for babies/fertility... major discussions at dinner tables is birth/preggers/miscarriages/ blabla bla...

when i point out my age, the dangers, and financial problems, everyone has the same answer : the lord will provide and guard u... its god's will , etc  

here most older people are desparately waiting for the time their kids will give them grandkids to take care of... different then my american mother and sister... ))

every once in a while i regret that i didnt do the fertility stuff before age 45 (free treatments in israeli clinics until that age) when i see all the babies around me, but anon never really seems pressed about it although he loves babies, it isnt something that he brings up in conversations or seems to regret... although if my daughter would have a baby then it would be nice also (she had a scare a few months ago, but in army, they either have to go through a committee for allowing abortion, or she would have to leave the army.... fortunately for her, it was a false alarm)

bina
israel

[ajarnmark]

Naam, on 2009-01-09 18:53:27, said:

ajarnmark, on 2009-01-07 00:25:06, said:

Why did you marry a village man?


I am not sure where r u from, but will u marry a redneck?

If u have a husband who belongs to ill-educated/traditional family, what else do u expect?

I will NEVER marry a village girl, coz I am NOT white and I don't want trouble from in-laws or any extended family.

Nothing personal, but it seems more of an issue of in-laws than ur partner, so be happy what u have chosen.

ur name wudd indickate zat u r a teatcher. eye hope u dont teatch enklish  

nah, i zont teaz enklish, in fact i never did. u dirty klingon

[Goinghomesoon]

Well the pressure has eased up.  One of hubby's siblings had a baby so that's taken the focus off us for the moment.  Also I've come to better understand MIL's point of view.  Some of the happiest times in her village are when a new baby is born and all the older women band together to help the new mothers.  She just expected we would want that too.

[Sabum]

God this topic depresses the hel_l out of me..... I worry one day I will finally want a baby and it will be too late.  God life is too fecking short.

[ihunnieibee]

Sabum, on 2009-05-02 17:51:51, said:

God this topic depresses the hel_l out of me..... I worry one day I will finally want a baby and it will be too late. God life is too fecking short.

PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT!!  I told you that I'm going to try to help you when I get there...just a few more weeks, ok?!

[featography]

sbk, on 2009-01-06 22:39:39, said:

Smile nicely and tell them to ask your husband. Then walk away. His family, his problem

But to be honest, I don't have kids, we never not planned on having kids just never felt the need to have them. So far, no kids. Sure, I could still have them but I don't want to. I'd love to tell them its none of their business but of course, I can't. So, indeed, I tell them to ask my husband and smile nicely and go find someone else to chat with.

That is probably the best answer available. If you don't mind my imput(male,58farang) that is what I finally resorted to and it works well for me. Not sure how it works for my Thai wife, but I havent gotten any backlash yet. I got clipped years ago, the wife knew it going into the relationship/marriage, she has no kids and 3 years into our marriage, inlaws, love em to death, but, still joke about my not doing my husbandly duties. I smile, say Mai pen rai and walk away from the table the women are all sitting around. I have been opened to adoption, the wife not open to it. It just means you have to treat like water running off a ducks back.

[Goinghomesoon]

Since the original post we have approached the issue a bit differently than I thought we would. When in the village hubby took every available opportunity to raise the topic of children with his parents and their neighbours.  Each time he would lament loudly that 2 of his many sisters have shirked their family duties by only have 1 child each, whereas he and I are raising 2 kids! All of a sudden the questioning eased off considerably.  I understand that the younger of the 2 'shirker sisters' is the latest target   Gotta love village goss when it isn't aimed at me!

Edited by Goinghomesoon, 2009-09-24 20:29:28.

[sunspun]

am i the only one with understanding inlaws??  
they still ask after 4 years of marriage, but they also understand that in my culture, it's just different.  My mom would have freaked if I had a baby right after we got married (at 20)!  they aren't too bad about it anymore, but they still ask from time to time.  it helps that my oldest sister in law is 35 and not even married yet.

I think the real reason they want one is that we are gonna have one heck of a beauty (i'm half danish, and my husband is gorgeous) and they think it's gonna be a movie star!

now the one putting all the pressure is my hubby!

[sbk]

You are still young, wait for it, if you delay too long it will come. Trust me.

[NCS]

Interesting topic!

Im new to Thaivisa, married to a Thai for almost a year now and I thought before we got married that it would be a big issue to his family since he is the youngest of 8!! And he has 7 sisters, his mom explained to me on my first visit that they really wanted a boy to carry on the familyname...something that gave me instant goosebumbs!

We got married in Bangkok [just doing the paperwork, having a nice meal and a short well deserved holiday to celebrate!]
On our next visit to the family they were all ok, kind of figured we got married [thank budha mom dint care for the whole ritual!] and not once did anybody ask us if we are gonna have kids..well they never asked me, they might've bother the husband... but he doesnt complain either!

Now I find myself to be the one wanting kids....

Sorry no good advice here, It must be pretty anoying for u....hope the siblings of ur hubby will make many babies...to keep the MIL happy?!

Good luck

[meme]

Well let me tell you, my situation has certainly changed. For the past 5 years everyone has been very supportive and although there was always talk about our future baby Neither my husband, nor his family every pressured me to have a baby. Not to say my husband didn't constantly talk about our future kids, but he never made me feel guilty or anything like that.

Well, we have moved back to Canada for a while for a couple of reasons, one of which is so we can start a family. We are both in our very early 30s, but I am still not ready yet. He is the youngest of 6 and aside from his one sister who is not married, he is the only one without kids. In the 5 years we have been together I have seen people in his village meet someone, get married and are well on to their second or third child by now! So before we left people were actually asking him if he was impotent, like, "hey have you eaten? Are you impotent?" I have to say I did feel some twangs of guilt then

So then he picks up to move to another country (he has never been away from his mother/family/village for more than 3 months at a time) and basically tells his mom that he is going away for a while (of course does not tell her how long b/c that would make her cry and god knows that would be the worst thing ever!   ) and she asks why he is going, and he tells her b/c he is going to bring her home a grand baby. And to that she says, "Ok bye see you soon ." So he gets off the plane yesterday and we get in the car and the first thing he says is " Are you ready to make my baby?"   I kind of laugh it off and then later on we were talking about a visit home to Thailand and he said, "well I hope you know we are not going back until there are 3 of us" So lets just say now the pressure is on! Fortunately I think I will be ready in a year or so but I have never seen such a maternal clock as I have in my hubby!