Jump to content




View New Content Help  
Photo
- - - - -

Marrying A Thai Girl


191 replies to this topic

#1 Virgil

Virgil

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 132 posts

Posted 2005-02-02 20:28:22

Gentlemen,

I am new to the Forum and new to Thailand. A year ago, almost to the day, I met a Thai girl on the internet. Needless to say, I fell in love. Over an hour a day with the web-cam and over an hour a night on the phone lead me to Thailand in October and again over Christmas.

I've spent six weeks with her family, who are wonderful. The girl is perfect, but you guys know that already, right? Her parents are both teachers and speak basic English ... read "basic". She, "Ae" (not her real nickname) studies Business English at a Uni in Isaan. Her English is good enough to speak with my parents and brother. My family chats with her on line occasionally. I would say that things have been progressing well. Ae will be visiting me in Australia next month and staying until the end of May.

I'm sure that I will ask her to marry me. Yes, I'm hooked on her charm, beauty and love. We can't get enough of each other and I stay up too late every night chatting to Ae on the phone.

Now! The problem is this, cost of the wedding. Ae is from a small town. Everyone in the town knows her, her family, and me. But I know nothing about Thai wedding customs. I've bought a book called Culture Shock Thailand, but it is not very useful. Ae's mother has put forward a proposition which both Ae and I consider outrageous. Frankly, it would be cheaper to marry in Australia and we are considering it. However, I love the family and Ae would still like a traditional style wedding. I'd like to offer that to her.

So, I have some questions that I hope can be answered by you experienced farang expats to set my mind at ease:

1. What would you consider to be a fair dowry for a Uni graduate who's parents are primary school teachers in rural thailand?

2. Is the dowry something that is negotiable?

3. Ae's mother claims that she will give most of the dowry back to us after the wedding. Have any of you had a similar experience in this regard? Why is a little bell ringing in the deep, dark, recesses of my mind?

4. What are the typical costs associated with a country wedding ... in Isaan?

5. What would happen if I put my foot down and set the limit that I would pay ... non-negotiable? Would love conquer all?

6. Why does everything have to be "Thai Style"? Don't westerners have a culture? Has anyone tried to go 50/50 .... I believe it's called ha-sip ha-sip? What would happen if I insisted on some of the western traditions?

7. Shouldn't they consider that I do all the travelling, and will have to pay for Ae to come to Oz, and future trips, phone bills and the like? Doesn't this enter into the equation at all?

A bit about me: 38, fit, professional with my own business, house and car. Never planned to meet a Thai girl ... it just happened. Not supporting Ae financially, except for when she arrives her for three months. Married before. Divorced 5 years ago.

A bit about Ae: calls me everyday. 21, vivacous Uni student. Always wanted to marry a farang and would like to live in Oz. Has no assets. Her parents have their house, a farm, about a dozen cows, pigs, chickens, the manditory Hi-Lux, 3 motorbikes and pay for Ae's Uni fees and dorm.

Ae is annoyed about her mother's proposition and hasn't spoken to her mother for over a week. Her mother is normally on line to chat with me ... but not this week. Ae's current position is that her mother always thinks about herself and never thinks about Ae. She thinks the dowry is too much (so do I) and is frightened that the issue is going to end the relationship. It won't. I'm not a rich man, but I can afford what they are asking. The question is SHOULD I pay?

Gentlemen, I fear my ship is sailing too close to the wind and am in need of a good pilot on this one. Any input or advice would be most welcome either here or via email.

Thanks

Virg'

#2 britmaveric

britmaveric

    Defender of the Realm

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 21,241 posts

Posted 2005-02-02 20:33:30

Personally doweries are a waste of time. I guess the bigger question is how would your prospective fiance feel about no dowery? (deal breaker or would she care less?)

Dowery is normally a face thing to show the village, and should be returned, but you never know. The idea kind of reminds me of buying property and that isnt what love is about.

#3 davethailand

davethailand

    Titanium Member

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 6,574 posts

Posted 2005-02-02 20:35:08

Spent time together IN PERSON first mate, not a couple of weeks, a couple of months at least.

#4 DJ Pat

DJ Pat

    Super Member

  • Banned
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,778 posts

Posted 2005-02-02 20:38:35

I can give you a copy of my Thai wedding video to watch...that'll soon put you off...


Oh yeah as Dave says spend time with her, she may have nasty habits and dare I say it, other guys on the firm.

#5 Darknight

Darknight

    Distant Member

  • Honorary Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,974 posts

Posted 2005-02-02 20:50:05

Tell the parents they get nothing , Tell her you don't have money anymore. See if the girl still wants to marry you
If she does she must love you :o

#6 Khutan

Khutan

    I > U

  • Honorary Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,279 posts

Posted 2005-02-02 20:58:16

Vrigil, I will try to give my opinion.

Yes I am married to a Thai and yes I have done all of this.

[quote]1. What would you consider to be a fair dowry for a Uni graduate who's parents are primary school teachers in rural thailand?[/quote]50,000 - 75,000 Baht plus pork and gold

[quote]2. Is the dowry something that is negotiable?[/quote]

Yes, but remember its a show. After the party is paid for, most of it should come back.

[quote]3. Ae's mother claims that she will give most of the dowry back to us after the wedding. Have any of you had a similar experience in this regard? Why is a little bell ringing in the deep, dark, recesses of my mind?[/quote]I made it all back, except for a few genuinely overlooken wedding expenses. If you show you want to use the money to invest in her future, it should be fine.

[quote]4. What are the typical costs associated with a country wedding ... in Isaan?[/quote]

Depends on many things, but as a rule a small village job can be as low as 10,000, and it goes on from there. The big village jobs are normally about 30,000.

[quote]5. What would happen if I put my foot down and set the limit that I would pay ... non-negotiable? Would love conquer all?[/quote]It can be viewed as an insult, particularly if they are willing to take the "Its a show" attitude.

[quote]6. Why does everything have to be "Thai Style"? Don't westerners have a culture?[/quote]
No
[quote]Has anyone tried to go 50/50 .... I believe it's called ha-sip ha-sip? What would happen if I insisted on some of the western traditions?[/quote]Wouldn't be too much of a problem, as long as they didn't fly in the face of the Thai style. But the smaller the party, the less chance of upsetting culture. From what I have seen, the longer and more complicated, the more rigerous it is.
[quote]7. Shouldn't they consider that I do all the travelling, and will have to pay for Ae to come to Oz, and future trips, phone bills and the like? Doesn't this enter into the equation at all?[/quote]

[quote]The question is SHOULD I pay?[/quote]

Generally, yes, as per culture.

Well the party is generally part of the dowry, how you negotiate beyond that is up to you.

It is alot more colplicated than that, and yes the brides family should pay for the party.....

but....

Feel free to email me or PM me, I am happy to help

Matt

#7 gburns57au

gburns57au

    Graham And Apple

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,757 posts

Posted 2005-02-02 22:28:39

oh hum..... :o

#8 SoCal

SoCal

    Senior Member

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 826 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 01:43:45

Her parents pay for Ae's Uni fees and dorm.

Ae's current position is that her mother always thinks about herself and never thinks about Ae.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



Did Ae ever stop to appreciate the sacrifices her parents have made for her?

Have you?

:o

#9 Brian2056

Brian2056

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 21 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 02:06:56

As a rule, Westerners are far more adaptable to other cultures than the reverse. (been there, done that) These cross-pollination marriages have a far better chance of success if you remain in your brides country than bringing her home. They get home sick, big time.

My advice? Actually, it's the same advice for any man planning a wedding. You just ask your bride-to-be where you need to be and at what time. Pony up the necessary baht and just go with the flow. You're the one expected to shelve your culture, not her. That's the way it is and the sooner you accept that, the better the marriage has a chance of surviving.

If you're having cultural differences now, wait until you're married.

Best put a lot of hard, looooong thought into this one.

She wants to live in Oz? Curious. Are the divorce laws 50/50 in Aussieland? Something to think about.

#10 TRIPxCORE

TRIPxCORE

    Ordo Templi Orientis (Illuminati) Member

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,887 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 10:17:41

7.  Shouldn't they consider that I do all the travelling, and will have to pay for Ae to come to Oz, and future trips, phone bills and the like?  Doesn't this enter into the equation at all?


A bit about me:  38, fit, professional with my own business, house and car.  Never planned to meet a Thai girl ... it just happened.  Not supporting Ae financially, except for when she arrives her for three months.  Married before.  Divorced 5 years ago.

Virg'

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



I often asked myself the same question when I was married over 4 years about the wifes family considering all the other things I must be responsible for. The answer is yes, they should consider it but resoundingly do not!

By the way, why did you feel the need to tell us you were fit? How does this enter into your discussion at all?




Quote from Britmaveric:

Personally doweries are a waste of time. I guess the bigger question is how would your prospective fiance feel about no dowery? (deal breaker or would she care less?)

Dowery is normally a face thing to show the village, and should be returned, but you never know. The idea kind of reminds me of buying property and that isnt what love is about.

End quote.


Here, here Brit. I am totally in agreement with you on your comment

#11 mbkudu

mbkudu

    Platinum Member

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,929 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 10:32:08

What ever he's going to pay is probably not all that bad. People who think a dowry is not important are just being cheap. If you want to know what a pay out is really like, don't marry a rural Thai farm girl; marry a middle class Chinese girl. You'll really feel the hurt in your wallet then. :o

#12 snoophound

snoophound

    Try to ReMember

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,148 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 10:34:59

Just a few thoughts that hopefuly arent too much of a ramble.
Maybe worth thinking from the parents side.
The Parents worked hard to put her thru uni??
How old are they?
Are there other useful brothers or sisters to help look after them?
Thai parents invest in their kids so they can take over the business if wealthy or look after them in old age.
Whipping the daughter off to OZ may be upsetting to them.

Get AE over to aust for three mths and dont marry her!
See if she can genuinely cope with living here.
If you are in Sydney need help with meeting some thai gals for her to som tam with here let me know.
My lady knows heaps ,and has one sister here and has had one other sister visit recently....she didnt like it ,they love it and would never go back to thailand.

Talk thru with AE these family expectations,dowry sure ,but dont forget you will be seen as wealthy falang ,make sure you set expectations up front regarding ongoing money back home,the requests WILL come.

Spend the three mths ,let her go home,and think about things,you need to cool off and think about things too.

Sure lovely to look at,great sex,but do you have a real connection?
What will she do if she comes back to stay?
DO you ,Does she want kids?

The more work you put in up front the easier it will be..

Finally the visa.

Keep records of everything now

Phone calls
Emails
Photos

You will need to show about 6 mths or more to make the ghouls at oz embassy happy.








7.  Shouldn't they consider that I do all the travelling, and will have to pay for Ae to come to Oz, and future trips, phone bills and the like?  Doesn't this enter into the equation at all?


A bit about me:  38, fit, professional with my own business, house and car.  Never planned to meet a Thai girl ... it just happened.  Not supporting Ae financially, except for when she arrives her for three months.  Married before.  Divorced 5 years ago.

Virg'

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



I often asked myself the same question when I was married over 4 years about the wifes family considering all the other things I must be responsible for. The answer is yes, they should consider it but resoundingly do not!

By the way, why did you feel the need to tell us you were fit? How does this enter into your discussion at all?




Quote from Britmaveric:

Personally doweries are a waste of time. I guess the bigger question is how would your prospective fiance feel about no dowery? (deal breaker or would she care less?)

Dowery is normally a face thing to show the village, and should be returned, but you never know. The idea kind of reminds me of buying property and that isnt what love is about.

End quote.


Here, here Brit. I am totally in agreement with you on your comment

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



#13 Nokkeow

Nokkeow

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 29 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 10:44:50

Virgil

sorry I have no advice to give you. But I do want to wish you good luck. You seem like a pretty decent fellow who is trying to do the right thing. Not sure what that is in your circumstances, but I hope you can figure it out.

#14 cdnvic

cdnvic

    rebmeM ratS

  • Global Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 20,853 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 10:50:53

If you want to know what a pay out is really like, don't marry a rural Thai farm girl; marry a middle class Chinese girl. You'll really feel the hurt in your wallet then. :o

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


I did marry a middle class Chinese girl, but there was no real $$$ exchanged other than token ceremonial stuff. Their wedding present to us was way more than that little sum.

Her mother thought that making a big show to the neighbours made no sense as she doesn't really like them much anyway. :D

They were happy for us to follow the tradition even in a token fashion, and they knew full well that doweries were not part of my culture so we met halfway.

cv

#15 Petesear

Petesear

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 311 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 12:32:31

For what it's worth.. Live/spend time with her before you marry, would you not do this in a 'normal' relationship? As for money.. Ae's parents are investing in her for their future, hence paying for her studies, is this something that you are prepared to take on? You'll be expected to by both the parents and Ae, so your original lay out will increase over the years.. Good luck.. :o

#16 devildog683

devildog683

    wanna see my member.....

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 765 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 12:32:37

Basically i would leave it up to her as far as the dowry goes. With my income, i was unable to afford a decent dowry, so i told her to talk to her family about this and make a decision. Basically we came to the agreement that we couldnt afford one large sum, but we are helping the family out financially whenever we can/whenever an emergency come up. Her family was happy with this (at least on the outside). Also the fact that i visited her family for a few weeks and got them to know me better helped out......

#17 surin

surin

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 232 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 13:34:24

He's trolling!!

#18 Dr. Burrito

Dr. Burrito

    Senior Member

  • Advanced Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 585 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 13:38:46

I'm with DJ Pat on this. You really ned to spend some time with here here in Thailand. Internet and phone love are jsut fine, but take a few notes from your own previous marriage. Wouldn't a bit of face time to really understand who your marrying, her culture, her family and their possibly annoying habit of asking ouo for cash at the least opportune times be a good thing to know about.

She may be as chaste as the wind, and if so, good for you and her. But if she is chaste, truly chaste, then from waht I have gathered, a dowry is certainly in line.

Biggest mistake most farang seem to make here or with Thai women in general is jumping off the deep end with no real time 'in-country' learning more about the place and people. Its romantic, yes, but naieve as well.

#19 cdnvic

cdnvic

    rebmeM ratS

  • Global Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 20,853 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 13:39:55

He's trolling!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


Trolls make absurd or silly posts for the purpose of baiting people. The poster appears to be thoughtful, articulate, and genuine, with the same questions most of us in the same situation at one time asked, either here or elsewhere.

If this is a troll, he's going about it totally wrong. :o

cv

#20 Virgil

Virgil

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 132 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 15:56:56

Spent time together IN PERSON first mate, not a couple of weeks, a couple of months at least.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


Yes, Ae will be spending 3 months in Sydney with me ... starting next month. We organised the visa when I was there at Christmas. What an event that was ... While she is here she will be attending full time english class for 8 weeks ... this is hopefully going to simulate some sort of "normality" about her time her, so that it's not just one big holiday for her.

#21 Virgil

Virgil

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 132 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 16:02:45

Her parents pay for Ae's Uni fees and dorm.

Ae's current position is that her mother always thinks about herself and never thinks about Ae.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



Did Ae ever stop to appreciate the sacrifices her parents have made for her?

Have you?

:o

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



Yes mate, I have had that discussion with her ... on several occasions. But then, isn't that what parenting is about? My parents made the same concessions for me - they sent me to a private school but never had a new car ... never.

In my opinion, it's a parent's duty to do the best that they can do for their children:- spiritually, morally, socially and economically.

#22 Virgil

Virgil

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 132 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 16:11:11

What ever he's going to pay is probably not all that bad. People who think a dowry is not important are just being cheap. If you want to know what a pay out is really like, don't marry a rural Thai farm girl; marry a middle class Chinese girl. You'll really feel the hurt in your wallet then. :o

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


No, it's not about being cheap mate. It's not that at all. I earn the money. I will decide how it's spent. That's what it is. I choose to spend it on flying Ae out her for 3 months. I choose to spend it on $2,500 worth of English lessons. I will choose to spend it on a nice engagement ring and honeymoon in Europe (if we can swing the visas for her). I do not choose to spend my money supporting her family or extended family, some of whom have already expressed an interest in what I do, what I earn and what I own. There is a marked difference between being tight with your money and being smart with it. I will probably pay a dowry, once I establish what is fair and reasonable.

#23 cdnvic

cdnvic

    rebmeM ratS

  • Global Moderators
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 20,853 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 16:20:22

some of whom have already expressed an interest in what I do, what I earn and what I own.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


This is normal for people to ask you.... even if they aren't relatives. Wouldn't you make inquiries if a close family member was in the same position?

cv

#24 Virgil

Virgil

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 132 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 16:32:31

Just a few thoughts that hopefuly arent too much of a ramble.
Maybe worth thinking from the parents side.
The Parents  worked hard to put her thru uni??
How old are they?
Are there other useful brothers or sisters to help look after them?
Thai parents invest in their kids so they can take over the business if wealthy or look after them in old age.
Whipping the daughter off to OZ may be upsetting to them.

Get AE over to aust for three mths and dont marry her!
See if she can genuinely cope with living here.
If you are in Sydney need help with meeting some thai gals for her to som tam with here let me know.
My lady knows heaps ,and has one sister here and has had one other sister visit recently....she didnt like it ,they love it and would never go back to thailand.

Talk thru with AE these family expectations,dowry sure ,but dont forget you will be seen as wealthy falang ,make sure you set expectations up front regarding ongoing money back home,the requests WILL come.

Spend the three mths ,let her go home,and think about things,you need to cool off and think about things too.

Sure lovely to look at,great sex,but do you have a real connection?
What will she do if she comes back to stay?
DO you  ,Does she want kids?

The more work you put in up front the easier it will be..

Finally the visa.

Keep records of everything now

Phone calls
Emails
Photos

You will need to show about 6 mths or more to make the ghouls at oz embassy happy.


Thanks for the reply mate ... is good. Her parents are in their late 40's. Both are school teachers. Her mother told me that they will each get 250,000bt if they retire when they are 50. More if they work longer. They own several parcels of land, each costing around 200,000bt. No doubt, they are paying the bank for these. They have a small farm where they grow rice. They have about 6 cows and are building up stock ... 4 had calfs this year. I think they are pretty well looked after financially. They have 3 other daughters ... the youngest would also like to live in Oz ... and gives me no end of cheek when I'm there.

I am worried about her meeting other Thais here in Oz ... there has been some bad press regarding Thai girls working in the wrong industry .... I used to share an office suite with an Immigration Lawyer who specialises in asian immigration. He was forever trying to get passports back for "unlucky" Thai girls who wanted to return home ... but that's another story.

I was planning to take her to the Temple in Annandale. And to the Thai new year festival at Darling Harbour ... hopefully she will meet some good people there.

Snoophound ... the sex is a small part of the equation and didn't feature in my first trip to Thailand. We have the same wicked sense of humour and love for dancing. We like the same movies and same music. There is no point in her bringing any of her CD's ... I've got most of them ... and they ain't cheap pirates either ... haha ...

Ae will have a degree in Business English ... she will have 3 months work experience in hotel management too. She wants to work in the travel / hospitality industry.

Her 3 months here will include 2 months at a full time english school in Ultimo. It will be just like going to work ... hopefully ... we will be having a normal life ... well, as normal as we can, apart from the Easter and Anzac long weekends.

Thanks for your advice.

Virg'

#25 Virgil

Virgil

    Senior Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 132 posts

Posted 2005-02-03 16:48:26

some of whom have already expressed an interest in what I do, what I earn and what I own.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


This is normal for people to ask you.... even if they aren't relatives. Wouldn't you make inquiries if a close family member was in the same position?

cv

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


No. I wouldn't ask what people earn. I wouldn't ask about mortgage repayments, insurance, investments, cost of the car, what my business turns over and how much tax is paid .... and I don't tell people those things either. I'm happy to talk about the actual work I do, describe the house I live in, the colour of my car (silver) and the fact that I believe it is wise to have private health cover. But that's about it.

Virg'





Sponsored by ...

Quick Navigation  View New Content Site search: