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[krading]

That's it, I'm out of here.

[kurnell]

Q. What's the difference between a jackhammer and a giraffe?

A. Ones got hydraulics and the other has high bollocks.

[cognos]

a man walks into a bar...........an IRON bar...........OUCH

[cognos]

T_Dog, on 2009-06-05 15:24:29, said:

Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says "Why the long face?"




Okay, can you beat that with a shorter joke?

man walks into a bar........an IRON bar........OUCH                    (beat you by 2)

[lioness]

3 young bunnies were in their burrow, an orange rolls down, the first bunny took a bite and says "oh Pith", the 2nd little bunny has a nibble and says "oh pith", the 3rd bunny says I know it's pith, cause I pithed on it.

Sorry Folks

[kurnell]

Local theme

Confucius say: Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

[BigSnake]

warfie, on 2009-06-05 18:26:22, said:

oh dear... what have I started?!?!

keep 'em coming...

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honour! I didn't say she was crazy...
I said she was fcuking Goofy!

Oldie but a goodie     

[warfie]

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He
rings the bell for the driver to start off when there's a
woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off; the woman
falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is
sent down for murder, and seeing as it's Texas, he's sent to
the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's in the chair and the
executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well," says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes," answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits ‘til
he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips
the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When
the smoke clears, the man is still alive. The executioner
can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so," says the executioner, "That's never happened
before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses
selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to
go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the
wheels and is killed. The bloke is convicted for murder again
and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined
to do it right this time, so rigs the chair up to the electric
supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the
chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the
condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana.

The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the
switch. Millions of volts course through the chair, blacking
out Texas. When the smoke clears, the man is still there,
smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and
lets the man go.

The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings
the bell while passengers are still getting on, this time
killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again.
The executioner rigs up extra electricity to the chair,
determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in
the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well," says the man, "can I have that green banana out of
your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it. The
executioner pulls the handle and the volts go through the chair.
When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without
even a burn mark.

"I give up," says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that!"

He strokes his chin. "It's something to do with that green
banana isn't it?" he asks.

"Nah," says the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."

[aussiechick]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[ozsamurai]

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine’s day to be special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from Switzerland and it had arrived in time for the occasion (Edit: of course!). On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, “Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”

With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, “Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.”

[warfie]

@ Ozsamurai GROAN!!!





love it

[midasthailand]

Why are women like clouds?

Eventually they F#@K off and it's a beautiful day.

[midasthailand]

Suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells "you have 30 seconds to get out before I blow myself up", tortoise up the back of the shop yells "you cnut"!!

[himachal]

midasthailand, on 2009-10-28 11:16:09, said:

Why are women like clouds?

Eventually they F#@K off and it's a beautiful day.

Now I'm laughing!

[dippyrick]

Have you heard about the constipated maths lecturer......... who tried to work it out with a pencil

[peter991]

FEMALE COMPASSION       (The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
  
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f****d?' The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[maccaroni man]

snow white was kicked out od disney land. why? she was f..king goofie.

[warfie]

Mick Hucknall was recently caught shagging a rabbit.

In his defense he said he was "holding back the ears", and,"the bunny was too tight to mention"

[warfie]

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her
neighbour's garden, which had beautiful brighted tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice
each day, in the morning and in the evening, Iexpose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice
daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

[warfie]

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her
neighbour's garden, which had beautiful brighted tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice
each day, in the morning and in the evening, Iexpose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice
daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. "So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?" "No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cucumbers!"

[warfie]

A bit of green tar is having a drink at a bar when a bit of black tar walks in, nuts two people and kicks a third in the head. The barman tells the green tar that the black tar really is the local hard nut and to stay away. Moments later a piece of red tar walks in and the black tar runs out as fast as possible. "Why did he just run off like that then?" asks the green tar. The barman replies "Because that guy is a cycle path"

[peter991]

A doctor on his  morning walk, noticed the 'lil  old lady pictured above, sitting on her front  step smoking a cigar, so he  walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how  happy you look! What is your secret?"  

"I smoke ten cigars a  day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.  Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk  food.

On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing!

How old are you?"  

"Forty-four," she  replied..

[peter991]

Israel - Jerusalem: wailing wall / Western Wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. "
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
*
*
*
*
*


"Like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall!"

[warfie]

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig,
he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to
pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a
matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew
of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former
tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than
a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces
together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

[warfie]

A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and
put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye
fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in
time to see a girl looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a
drink.

As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said,
"I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to
join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said, "I have had
a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every
man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"