Chris Lawrence

The current plight of the Costa Concordia brings to the fore a comment made by Churchill.


After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.

Some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should chose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.

“First their cuisine is unsurpassed."

"Second their service is superb."

"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first”.

A man comes home from a trip away and shows his wife his latest purchase ... Olympic condoms.

"Why are they called Olympic condoms?' his wife asks.

"Because they come in gold, silver and bronze," says hubby. "Shall we try them tonight."

"Okay,' says the wife. "Use a silver one."

'Why silver?" asks the husband.

"Because I'd love you to come second for a change."

'Circumcised' (this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

A newlywed couple wanted to join the local evangelical church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners to test their committment to joining the Church. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Bunnings either"

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women
which should be far less susceptible to theft.

They are combining parts and designs from the new Renault Clio with the old Ford Taurus, and are calling it the "Cliotaurus."

The average male thief won't be able to find it, let alone know how to operate the dam_n thing.