AltumAngel

4 guy and 1 lady was having coffee and they were talking about the topic of their kids

So the 1st man say to his friends, My son is a priest
when he walk into a room people call him 'Father'
so what about your's???

The 2nd man say, My son is a Bishop
When he walk into a room people call him 'Your Grace'

The 3th man say, My Son is a Cardinal
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Eminence'

The 4th man say, My son is the Pope
when he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'

The Lady just sat there quietly and listened and the guys turn to her and ask what about your child?

She replied, I dun have a Son, but i do have a daughter, she is slim, tall , silky long hair and 38D-24-36.
when she walks into the room, people say 'OH MY GOD'

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead"??!!!

"Woah, what the hell happened to him"?

"Well  he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he  arrived  outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit  the curb,  the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof -  Went flying  through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom  window".

"What a horrible way to die"!

"No  no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed  in  my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the  floor.  Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room  and  reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just  dragging  himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing  down on top  of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

"What a way to go, that's terrible"!

"No  no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the   wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull   himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and   he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken   banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor,  sticking  right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go"!

"No  no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the   downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the   kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big   pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and   burned most of his skin off him".

"Man, what a way to go"!

"No  no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground,   covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull   himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and   pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't   mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through  him".

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that....".

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die"?

"I shot him"!

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for"?

"He was wrecking my house".

He held me strongly but gently just above my elbow and led me into a   room, his room. The door was quietly shut and we were alone!

He  approached me without making a sound from behind then spoke in a low  but  reassuring voice very near to my ear. "Just relax and be calm".

Without  warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands  start  at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves  slowly  but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be  afraid,  but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so  sure.

When  his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and  partly  closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing  fingers caress  my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm,  full breasts  in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,  knowing what he  wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them  down my tingling  spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this  man, I felt oddly trusting and  expectant. This is a man, I thought. A  man used to taking charge. A man  not used to taking "No" for an answer. A  man who would tell me what he  wanted. A man who would look into my soul  and say ... "Okay Mam," said  a voice, "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening  Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are  removing a weed  and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes  out of the ground  easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some  people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you  still  can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who  was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll  squeeze  these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why  do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't   point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did  you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at  you,  but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the  window?  

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much"?

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine"...




Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it ???