Worst Joke Ever

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A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost.  One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said, I'll let you come in on one condition. You absolutely cannot mess around with my granddaughter."  The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time. The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

As the rock was already flying out the window he quickly jumped out after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying,



"Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

Edited by scottiejohn
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I think all cars should have car phones in them and their license plates should be their phone numbers. So you can call ’em up and tell ’em to get the hell out of the way.


I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.


Why do Native Americans and Aborigines hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.


What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.


I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.


What were the blonde's first words after 4 years of University?

"Would you like fries with that?"


My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.


Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc, and Florence Nightingale? Apparently, he was a heroine addict.


What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.


"I had to stop seeing my girlfriend, the biologist," a guy told his friend.


"I couldn’t take it anymore," he said. "She kept trying to expose me to different cultures."


Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.


Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A: To find a tight seal.


Q: What's the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.


Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" 


Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


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A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him, "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."


The devil leads him to the first room where an old man is tied to a wall and is being whipped by an equally old man . The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a diseased ridded old man getting blown by a beautiful naked woman.


"I choose this room!" the man says.


"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.


"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

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Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.


Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?

A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.


Q: What's the height of conceit?

A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.


Q: What's the definition of macho?

A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says,

"You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies,

"How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"


What do you call a hooker's kids? Brothel sprouts.


Woman: "Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!"

Cop: "How do you know he was Irish?"

Woman: "I had to help him."

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ID: 6789   Posted (edited)


The woman was more than a little upset when her car stalled in the middle of the main street, and even more so when no amount of cajoling could get it started again.


As the light turned from red to green a third time and the car still failed to respond, the honking of the fellow in the car behind her grew even more insistent.


Finally the woman got out and walked over to his door.

"Excuse me, sir," she said politely, "if you’d like to help out by trying to get my car started yourself, I’ll be glad to sit here and honk your horn for you."




Edited by scottiejohn

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Visiting New York City for a medical convention, a doctor from the University of Utah took the afternoon off to do some shopping. Wandering into a little antiques store, he came across a curious brass sculpture of a rat and inquired as to the price.


"I have to tell you the truth," said the proprietor. "I’ve sold that piece twice and it’s been returned twice—so I’ll let you have it for four hundred dollars. It’s very old."


The doctor paid and headed out with his purchase in a bag under his arm. Not much later he noticed the shadowy forms of hundreds of live rats scuttling along in the gutters. A little while later the rats had swelled in number to several thousand, and it became evident

they were following the doctor. His astonishment turned to disgust and alarm as the rat pack grew to fill up the whole street, so he picked up speed and headed east. When he reached the river, he chucked the brass rat right in, and to his considerable relief, the horde of rats followed it to a watery death.


The next morning the doctor was the very first customer in the antiques store. "No way, buddy, I’m not taking it back a third time," protested the owner.


"Relax, I’m not bringing the rat back," soothed the doctor.



"I just wanted to know . . . do you have a brass lawyer?"

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