smo

How a short songthaew ride put me in a funk - Help!

17 posts in this topic

I know this is really a glitch of the mind but I need help, seriously. I'm a gay Asian-American male in my early 60s still active and fit. [If this subject turned you off then please stop reading and spare ourselves the nonsense, thank you.] This past Monday I was going for my midday swim at the local swimming pool. When I got on the songthaew a young Thai guy also got on at the same time and sat opposite me. I hardly paid attention to him, my mind was on something else. Then it was an instance of "me noticing you noticing me." He is in his early twenty, cleanly dressed as office worker, white shirt, black tie, long black pants and shoes, with an id badge thrown around his neck. Very handsome. He was holding some document envelopes in one hand and on the other a small drink from 7/11 that he was still drinking from. Very soon he seemed to be beaming at me, though demurely but definitely interested in catching my glances. My reaction was also demure, slyly letting he know that I was also reacting to his attention, positively. I then told myself that I will follow him wherever he was going to get off.

 

And here are the steps that I didn't take: 1) at one point he winked at me, I did not acknowledge that, or I did with a very faint turnup of the mouth, all this time I was pretending I was staring some space past his shoulders, not looking at him directly - 2) when he pushed the stop request button with a very clear body signal that he was going to get off, again I did not react decisively - 3) when he stepped out of the carriage and stood at the back running board waiting for the songthaew to come to a complete stop, I was still glued on my seat -4) last chance when he came to the front to pay, he was practically standing behind my back as I turned around to look, still I did nothing. It was like I was having an out of body experience watching him crossing to the other side of the small soi and walk away, out of my life.

 

That was two days ago. Since then I can't stop rewinding this sequence and alternating the ending: ok, where should I be leaping off after my guy? step 1, 2, 3 or 4? Yesterday I even loitered for some time at the bus stop and later walked into BigC a few steps away to see if I could spot him in those banking branches. In my room I feel very alone, which rarely ever happens; at night I even got scared, afraid to go to sleep for fear of reliving the episode where I would have to make THE decisive move (needless to say I haven't been sleeping too well.) As stated at the start, I know this is a trick of the mind, like the car engine got stuck in one gear, unable to switch to another. When I told my Thai teacher about this, her remark was that I was a coward. She didn't say in so many words, just "you're not brave, you won't be able to run any business." It's true, all my life whenever it comes to romantic decisions/encounters I always went into a passive trance, in which decisions are eventually made by mere indecisiveness/inertia and I've got to stand outside looking in (I vaguely know where this comes from, "you're don't deserve anything, nobody wants you" was the mantra of my childhood, courtesy of my stepmon, but we won't get into this.) I should have learned my lesson by now, but I didn't.

 

I remember little voices coming to my head as I watched the young man getting off, "oh, this is still far from where I need to go," "oh, he's skinny (actually he's not, he's still a strapping young man, not fully grown) not my type!" Anyway all the negative remarks came piling on to prevent me from jumping to action. Also, during the course of us exchanging glances, I did not make any direct acknowledgement (let alone a friendly opening "sawatdee krap") that okay, we're "in", neither to him nor, more importantly, to myself. Rather the prevalent mode was "just let it ride"; the voice that says " get off and follow him" was very faint, and finally stifled by the last minute trivial remarks. As I got older, I have learned one aspect of making decisions: whatever decision you have to make, you'll have to consider beforehand what was going to be the worse outcome, and are you going to be able to live with it? What I did not (have time to) consider in this instance - and this is crucial - was how I was going to handle the consequence of the non-action course. Which is exactly what I have to deal with in the aftermath at the present time.

 

I don't think this is any twisted pathology that needs psychological expertise, however I seemed to be heading toward depression ("You'll never see him again, you miss your last chance of happiness, your life is over, etc.") Incidentally I am posting on this general forum rather than the gay sub-forum because I think this sort of experience is rather universal, sexual orientation has little to do with it. I'm normally a positive person, but as I have fallen into this deep funk, I'm really reaching out for help. I welcome all constructive inputs, especially members who have experienced with this kind of life mishaps please give advice. Thank you all in advance and wishing you a good day,:smile:

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maybe he had some irritant in his eye  from the night before

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Fear of rejection is common in most people. Eventually I came to the realization that unless I took a chance there was zero chance of anything happening. Where if I took a chance and was rejected is was no worse off than if I had done nothing. I like to go fishing and it can be analogous. Sometimes the fish bite, and sometimes they do not, sometimes you catch the fish and sometimes they get away. I still enjoy fishing and I don't enjoy it any less when the fish get away. 

 

"Fortune favors the bold".

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ID: 4   Posted (edited)

smo, relax, every guy and gal in the planet has had such experiences, multitudes of them. The more you are attracted to a person the more you fear rejection by such a person, therefore the more you find a way to avoid possible rejection. You would have to be an emotionless Spock to have no fear of rejection (but then an emotionless Spock would probably end up being rejected anyway). Freezing and/or acting stupid when confronted with someone you find highly attractive is just human. And then blaming yourself for losing this one last chance of a partner to grow old with and die in their arms (yeah, right) is human too.

 

Move on, do other stuff and in a week it'll become a speck in the rear view mirror.

Edited by The Dancer
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You are 3 times his age, look somewhere else.

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1. You are 40 years older than him!

2. If a 60 year old man followed a 20 year old woman its called stalking!

3. Is he even gay? 

4. He was probably just smiling as Thai's tend to do!

5. In your 60 years on this planet you obviously have enough life experience to deal with or be aware of your emotions, or do you?

6. See no 1.

7. If he is gay and if he is interested in you he is only interested in your, as he sees it,  perceived wealth.

8. See no 1.

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Believe it or not, I was planning in the next couple of days to stalk the soi where the young man got off the songthaew; but then I had the remaining wisdom to first ask for advice on this board. Am I so glad I did! I truly needed all the gong-banging  and the klieg lights glaring at that simple age equation (60-20=40) that you guys were shouting down from the rafters with heartfelt gusto and no ridicule whatsoever (well maybe laced with a bit of sarcasm, but even that was welcome!). They glared so hard into my dimmed consciousness that finally the scales fell from my eyes, so to speak. It's like you took me to behind the scene and replayed the scenario on the little monitor (sorry for heavy-handed Hollywood metaphors here).

 

Objectively speaking, I'm just curious as to how quickly the kid got me in his crosshairs. Yeah, he might or might not be gay, but that doesn't really matter in the world of moneyboy/girls doesit? Either he's got his gaydar high up, or my lust was too "naked?" His office dress code might have got me fooled for a moment (but that's all it took) telling me he was not a) a moneyboy and b   )  that he's at a decent ie legit job and therefore he must be innocent (and wholesome and what else). That may be true but that doesn't mean he's a virgin in regards to sugardaddies.  His good looks might have procured him with more opportunities (and experiences) than his station in life allowed. I mean the transition from seeing me noticing him to tagging me an easy prey happened almost instantaneously! Most of us, including yours truly, certainly have walked down this path before, but somehow and sometimes we/I forget. It might have to do with advancing age blurring the rough edges of everyday reality, it might also be something else to do with the mirage that seems to be looming larger and larger as we get closer and closer to.....the idea of having a partner in whose arms we will let go off our last breath is a very real and painful ("I don't want to die alone") preoccupation that some of us here I am sure have begun to contemplate.

 

However the main lesson here is regardless at what stage in life one finds oneself - the earlier the better-  don't be a deer caught in the headlights, take control of the moment, take chances and make things happen because if you don't, nobody else (or mommy or daddy) will do it for you. And worse, you might spend the rest of your life regretting it! (After all is said and done, I still wish that I HAD followed him off the songthaew, come what may!)

 

I'm calling for a round of drinks to all those who chipped in (wouldn't it be great if we were having this discussion in a bar?) You have pulled me back up to the surface and for all your dry-eyed wisdom and words of comfort this is just what the doctor ordered. Thank you so very much - I'm gonna have a much needed good night sleep tonight (to the soundtrack of Annie singing "Tomorrow, tomorrow...")

 

"Fortune favors the bold" right on!:partytime2:

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ID: 10   Posted (edited)

You only live once, age is just a number (legal and consensual issues aside).   Be a little shameless, wink back!  Have a rough quickie and if he's after your money well decide if he's worth it or not.  Maybe he likes being with daddy, who cares?

 

Lots of moralistic guys on this board.  

Edited by tominbkk
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ID: 11   Posted (edited)

11 hours ago, tominbkk said:

You only live once, age is just a number (legal and consensual issues aside).   Be a little shameless, wink back!  Have a rough quickie and if he's after your money well decide if he's worth it or not.  Maybe he likes being with daddy, who cares?

 

Lots of moralistic guys on this board.  

 

Well, I wouldn't call my friends here moralistic...Let's just say they're a pragmatic bunch, after all they're the ones who pulled me up from the ditch! So I listened to the consensus to look at the numbers and calculate the odds which I have to admit is pretty high against the possibilities of "true" love, and learned to live with that. However, I agree with you, Tommy: Have a rough quickie, let's call it "Last Tango in BKK," since for guys my age, anything we do or happens to us at this stage in our lives seem to be the last-to-last call. All the more we need to be "a little shameless" because truly what is happening to us might just have enough time to happen once but not once more.

 

Again the old idiom rings true, about rather to have loved and lost than not at all, that's what makes life worth living! Thats what was killing me, to have not grabbed the chance for one quickie with the handsome young one, to go through the courtship of love while it's still blind, to do the peacock dances, the romantic rendezvous, the honeymoon by the seaside, on and on - all the while telling myself "I have worked hard for this and damnit, I deserve it!" And if likely to find out that oh yeah, the romance does come with a price tag, then it would be time like you said to consider making the purchase (come to think of it, it doesn't really make much difference at this point... A bittersweet romance, ahhhh, the memory of which will make you smile when you expire your last breath: Priceless!)

 

By not taking that chance, I have yanked myself back empty-handed to everyday life reality: the bus stop with a thousand faces, the traffic jam, the empty soi... There's no sweet, no romance - only that that reality now tastes a bit bitter, because a door has shut behind you. You know that there won't be anyone coming along anytime soon to sit opposite you on the songthaew and make you feel like Cinderella riding in that golden carriage. However you just keep looking.


 

Edited by smo

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On 3/25/2017 at 0:36 AM, smo said:

 

Well, I wouldn't call my friends here moralistic...Let's just say they're a pragmatic bunch, after all they're the ones who pulled me up from the ditch! So I listened to the consensus to look at the numbers and calculate the odds which I have to admit is pretty high against the possibilities of "true" love, and learned to live with that. However, I agree with you, Tommy: Have a rough quickie, let's call it "Last Tango in BKK," since for guys my age, anything we do or happens to us at this stage in our lives seem to be the last-to-last call. All the more we need to be "a little shameless" because truly what is happening to us might just have enough time to happen once but not once more.

 

You are a hopeless romantic, which is a good thing in my book, but I think Thailand is the wrong place to be for romantics.  Romance is not part of the Thai pysche, they are much more pragmatic.  Money or lust is primary, but when the libido is calmed and the fiddler is paid there ain't much left behind the curtain.  I found many more romantics in Latin America, in Asia, meh.

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I really like this story. And yes it typifies what many of us have experienced in our lives. Personally I am glad you didn't get off the songthaew with him because you probably can conjure up a better ending in your imagination than what with high probability would have happened in reality. It's more tantalizing and titillating in your imagination. On the other hand, who knows for sure, we never know where certain Y's in the road might take us, do we.

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ID: 14   Posted (edited)

7 hours ago, Marc K said:

I really like this story. And yes it typifies what many of us have experienced in our lives. Personally I am glad you didn't get off the songthaew with him because you probably can conjure up a better ending in your imagination than what with high probability would have happened in reality. It's more tantalizing and titillating in your imagination. On the other hand, who knows for sure, we never know where certain Y's in the road might take us, do we.

 

Thanks Marc, for your kind words. Glad to be the first post that "broke you in" on this board, and welcome! Yeah, I do my best to cling on that "HIGH probability" that things usually don't happen the way we fantasize about. It's just the few percent that got away that are "killing me softly!" And at our/my age they're worth their weight in diamonds with each passing years.

 

On 3/26/2017 at 7:53 PM, tominbkk said:

 

You are a hopeless romantic, which is a good thing in my book, but I think Thailand is the wrong place to be for romantics.  Romance is not part of the Thai pysche, they are much more pragmatic.  Money or lust is primary, but when the libido is calmed and the fiddler is paid there ain't much left behind the curtain.  I found many more romantics in Latin America, in Asia, meh.

 

Again, tommy I agree with you. Matter of fact, just recently so, it has dawned on me that I wouldn't be able to find "true love" with a thai guy - or "in Asia," as you put it - simply for reason quoted above. It's like barking up the wrong tree! So forget about having deep, meaningful conversation the kind we have with friends in the States, the "meeting of the souls" so to speak. I look at the farang husband/thai wive couples and rack my brains to think of what kind of pillow talk they might be having at night. I would find them sitting at food court after shopping upstairs at BigC, all eyes on the filled-to-the-brink shopping cart, and wonder is that all there is?

 

Part of the side-effects I'm still experiencing and which seems to be "psychedelic" (read psychotic) is that I still have to now and then pull myself away from a romantic fantasy that my mind left on its own device would try to pluck out of the songthaew episode; which is mind-warping in the same way of defining jealousy as "all the fun you THINK they had." Now I know what people mean when they say, "Pull yourself up." On the other hand I remember looking at myself in the mirror when I came home all haggard that fateful afternoon, and had to exclaim, "Ugh, you truly look like grandpa!" This bit of self-reflection surprisingly did a better job at calming me down than a fistful of Prozacs!

 

Incidentally I just rewatched "My Fair Lady" last night. Poor Eliza, falling in love with an old "confirmed bachelor!" She got her heart broken when it was plain to see that personally he didn't care one wit about her. Broke her heart a second time when she made a return visit to Covent Garden and came to the realization that you can't go home again. The professor himself went through a similar emotional melt down when he returned home and got a taste of what it felt like when someone had walked out of your life.

 

However his was not heartbreak, it's desolation alright that lacks the romantic element. He would suffer more I think simply because his ego was too big. Eliza would do alright, being the pragmatic kind - which was what had led her to seek his help at the first place. Funny that Shaw conceded that "what really happened" afterward was that she married Freddy and opened a flower shop funded by Col. Pickering. [And if you pressed him further, I bet Shaw would reveal, under bated breath, that Prof. Higgins sold his house and eloped with the colonel to India, with his mom's blessing. Wow, "wouldn't it be lovely?"] 

 

Sorry for yapping away on what seems unrelated topic. But truly what got me through the last few evenings was rewatching old romantic favorites while munching on heavily buttered popcorn. Of course you can guess which of these characters I identified myself with most in this instance? The one who sang "On the soi where you live..."

Edited by smo
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What a refreshing thread.  

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ID: 16   Posted (edited)

Really nice story, I wish you all the best.

 

When I go to the food courts in shopping malls cute guys are often smiling/winking at me/everybody. I just want to say that you shouldn't think too much of it. I asked about these guys before and more often than not they were not even gay, although they looked gay to me lol but the Thai's are not that easy to distinguish.

They are just being friendly. Don't think too much of it or *Thai script edited out* as the Thai's would say.

Edited by Scott
Thai script edited out
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I have been in similar situations. Out of 100 bus/boat/BTS/MRT rides, there is one exchange of knowing looks with a boy who roughly fits my specifications (but so far I always found an excuse not to chat him up, too old/fat/hair, too far away from home, whatever), and when I or he gets off, I or he looks back. A few cases that I have chatted up gorgeous boys on the bus, but they were not gay.

 

I rarely take a taxi in Bangkok. I might meet my future boyfriend in a bus, but not in a taxi.

 

On 26.3.2017 at 7:53 PM, tominbkk said:

Romance is not part of the Thai pysche, they are much more pragmatic.  Money or lust is primary, but when the libido is calmed and the fiddler is paid there ain't much left behind the curtain.

Well said, worth quoting for those who missed it.

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BANGKOK 27 April 2017 06:28
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